1.10 - Salesman
Hello listeners. It is midnight in the mountains once again, and I, Julian Glass, am here to calm your nocturnal souls.
[intro]
Sorry I haven’t been on the air the last several nights, listeners. I was out sick. And then…[sadly] I was looking for Shinji.
[sigh] More on that later. For now, let’s venture around town. Merilee Williams makes her favorite late-night dinner: macaroni and cheese mixed with Mini Wheats.
A salesman has arrived in Mercy Mountain. He wears a gray jacket, gray slacks, a gray tie, and a gray hat, and carries a gray briefcase. His skin is neither dark nor light. His eyes are neither light nor dark. His hair is similar. His license plate says he is from Morgan County, Ohio, and reads “SALESMAN.” I do not know what he sells. I do not know where he has come from. I do not know when he came, or how long he will stay. But perhaps he will sell us just what each of us needs.
Jeff Miller…I…where is Jeff? I don’t… [unsettled] Perhaps it is not my business. Let’s move on.
Let’s hear some of Julian’s Midnight Advice.
“Hello Julian. My scruples are overflowing. My kettle is screaming. These two things [brief pause] are related. How do I accept my swaying troubles? Signed, The Passenger.”
Hello, Passenger. Please stop writing me. I told you, I do not want to become involved in your divorce.
“Hi Julian. My former roommate owes me money. The reason why doesn’t matter, besides perhaps I was being too generous, but she ended up taking $660 and a crock pot from me. It’s been months since we’ve had contact, mainly because she doesn’t answer a lot of messages or calls, and I am beginning to feel it’s been too long to be held up on this issue, but it’s the principle of it. How do I handle this? Signed, Principled Roomie.”
Hi Principled. I suggest you collect your debts the old-fashioned way: by finding out where your debtor lives and hiding in the walls of their home, making unsettling noises until they have a mental breakdown and are vulnerable to your requests for getting your money and your crock pot back.
So, listeners…several days ago, I came down with COVID. Shinji stayed home and took care of me and the dogs, as I was barely able to leave bed. All I did was sleep and feel awful. Shinji regularly brought me soup and water and cuddled me when I asked. I love them so much.
One day, someone stopped by. Although I was feeling a bit better by then, I was still contagious, so Shinji answered the door. I fell asleep as they and our guest socialized for what felt like a long time. When I woke, Shinji told me a salesman had come by. I asked what the salesman was selling, and Shinji couldn’t recall. They didn’t think they bought anything, though. And I certainly didn’t see anything new around the house as I got up and around.
Several days passed. I was just about ready to come back to work, but was giving it one more day to ensure I was no longer contagious. Since I was significantly better, Shinji left for work. [small voice] They never came back. I phoned their workplace, and their boss said they had never arrived.
So I’ve spent the last few days looking for them. I haven’t come to work because I’ve given up, of course. I just needed a distraction, and the Missing Persons Investigators are on the job, so…
Distraction. Right. Let’s hear a word from tonight’s sponsor.
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[interlude]
The night train is rumbling through town as usual. No light, no horn, just a low thunder signifying its passage.
One of the extraordinarily tall people in red robes who fish for catfish and loose souls from the New River amid the darkness—specifically, the one that regularly spray paints various ears on the post office—is busy vandalizing the post office again. They are painting a stunningly life-like rendition of a bird’s inner ear.
The lawyers at Newton & Stone Law Firm huff and neigh at something outside their window, something I cannot see.
Listeners, I believe that it is not just my dear Shinji who has disappeared. Fenna van der Berg, journalist for the Daily Dispatch, just called the station, and she said that reports have come in from all over town that people [brief pause] are going missing. There is no word yet on what ties these disappearances together, if they are even related.
I am going to take another look around town to see if any clues are out there.
Mercy Mountain Community College archaeology student Akifa Zarouq is out doing late-night field research, trying to find cork tablets engraved with heavenly proclamations, which can only be recovered under the light of the moon.
Penelope Dunlap on the west side of town welcomes the salesman into her home.
Chloe Holloway, owner of the thrift store Felonious Fashions, burns in her backyard an effigy of an unfashionable owl as she chants in Mandarin.
Local sharpshooter and newest Missing Persons Investigator Syd Jones sits at zir desk in zir office, poring over files, trying to find any clue at all.
Stay tuned next for…oh, I don’t know. Hopefully, for Shinji coming home safely. Have a wonderful rest of your night, Mercy Mountain.
