1.06 - Pledge Drive

Hello, listeners. It is midnight on the mountain once again, and I, Julian Glass, am here to appease your nocturnal souls.

[intro]

Mercy Mountain Radio is holding a pledge drive this week, listeners. I have to admit, I am not enthused about me having to encourage you to spend money on us, but such comes with this line of work. So if you like this show, or any of our others—such as Four Commercial-Free Hours of Ska; the Elephants are a Conspiracy Show; or even the unnamed broadcast that starts at 2:30 every morning and ends at 2:36am and features a female voice reading off seemingly random numbers—please dig a hole in your yard, whisper “ambiguous eggs” into it, and then fill it back in. We won’t know you did that, but our patron god Hetnor will, and they shall transfer the proper amount straight from the stash of dollars in your pantry that you think was well-hidden.

I went to the new Mexican restaurant on Maple Street. You know, the one that replaced the Sonic? I was a little disappointed that the Sonic shut down a few weeks ago, because I particularly enjoyed their Sour Patch Kids Slush Float and their onion rings. But unfortunately, the night shift employees all received tarot readings and found they were all due for a lifestyle change complete with a move to Costa Rica, so they all departed after throwing a rave on their last shift. Then the extraordinarily tall people in red robes who normally can be found fishing for catfish and loose souls took it over, and it became El Toro Rojo. The place serves some delicious huevos rancheros, and their tortilla chips and cinnamon salsa are freshly made.

Let’s do a new segment I’m trying out: Julian’s Midnight Advice. Anonymous residents can send in queries and dilemmas, and I can dole out some friendly advice! Here’s one:

“Hi Julian, I found a portal in my attic. It leads to an attic that is identical to my own. In one box there, I even found photographs of my family, including myself, that I do not recognize. From downstairs I can hear my voice drift up. Tell me: what do I do? I already installed locks on the door so it cannot be opened from the other side. Please help me. Signed, Haunted.”

Hi Haunted, it is very important that you report this phenomenon to the proper authorities. The Portal Authority, a branch of the NTSB, must be notified as soon as possible so that they can take the necessary precautions, including firebombing your house and wiping your entire memory.

“Hey there Julian. I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. His behavior has changed drastically over the last few months. He’s become more secretive, and made deep blue robes he’s started wearing constantly. He locks himself in the spare room every night, from which I hear him intoning in other languages and see blood red shadows moving through the crack below the door. Almost every time I talk to him, he responds in Romanian, which I don’t speak. What do I do? Do I confront him? Do I just leave? Signed, Brokenhearted and Uncertain.”

Hey there Brokenhearted. My advice would be to make your boyfriend experience the same feelings about your relationship that you currently are experiencing. Make yourself some bright orange robes, speak only in Portuguese, and perform rituals in a communal outdoor space until you learn to cast light where most cast shadows. These actions will certainly counteract your boyfriend’s recent behaviors, because once someone gets to casting blood red shadows, they are indicating their need for some spice being added to the relationships in their life. And my recommendations are spice.

That’s all the advice I have for now. Thanks for submitting, listeners.

It is time for me to inform anyone tuning in of the pledge drive Mercy Mountain Radio is holding. If you value our reporting and entertainment, please donate what you can. If you don’t, you will suddenly become allergic to listening to our station.

Time for a word from our sponsor. We sell anything and everything. Toothpicks, cars, groceries, your soul. We sell everything at a great, low price. Even your soul. Especially your soul. It isn’t worth that much. You could probably afford to buy it back, though we don’t quite see why you would want it. Do you want it? You did leave it lying on your bedroom floor for three straight days. That’s where we found it, wrinkled and covered in dog hair. So we decided to take it and give it a chance to find a better home by selling it at a low, low price. Walmart.

[interlude]

Geordi Norris, soybean farmer, plays solitaire using tarot cards while the soybean pie he just made finishes baking.

Sheila Carroll sits on her balcony, gazing up at the stars, a glass of orange juice in hand, a thin sweater around her shoulders. Crickets and katydids sing soothing melodies in the woods beyond her balcony railing. A moth strikes her glass door over and over again in vain attempts to get at the light coming from inside. Sheila smiles.

Glen Knight is busy planning the new student organization he wants to start, Mercy Mountain Student Parents. He sees unfulfilled needs for social support, access to children’s clothes and other items, among other things for student parents at Mercy Mountain Community College. He wants to show that it is possible to balance community college and childrearing, and that having both simultaneously should not be discouraged.

Local sharpshooter Syd Jones is playing darts alone in zir backyard, throwing the projectiles at the target hanging on zir shed. Every dart has stuck, quivering, in the exact center of the target.

Meteorologist Janet Gourse is in her backyard, smashing apart rocks and ceramic figurines with a sledgehammer while muttering, “Confusion is a choice. Shiver with disgust at its presence, for it causes environmental damage,” in between curses and hammerfalls.

Let’s see how the pledge drive is going before we wrap up this broadcast, shall we? Ah, wonderful! We have raised over $73,000! The donors include an array of oligarchs: American, Russian, and Martian. Thank you so much for your generosity, listeners. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and will not be wasted. Did I mention where exactly the money raised from this pledge drive will go? Some of it will go to employee salaries, but the station manager says most will go toward building themself an underground bunker for the end times, featuring a cinema and a helicopter service.

Stay tuned next for our newest program, What Is Your Pet Chewing? Have a wonderful rest of your night, Mercy Mountain.